WHAT WOULD A WORLD CLASS PARENT DO?

Dear Dori and Frank:

I’ve always thought that someday my kids will reach an age when I could count on them to share in the chores at home.  If nothing else, I thought I could count on them to take care of their own things and their own space.  It seems that it is always a struggle and I constantly have to remind them to do so.  What would a World Class Parent do?

Aaron in Seattle
Dear Aaron:

This is a great subject and goes to the heart of a World Class Parent’s role as a steward to their children.  The subjects of being responsible and taking accountability for those tasks that are assigned to you begin at a very early age.  It starts with using the words and modeling the actions.

World Class Parents understand that kids are very literal in their thinking so they begin as early as they can to teach and model the act of responsibility by having their children assist in picking up after their activities and acknowledging them for “acting responsibly.”  The key is to hold them accountable for their assignments, to name what you are doing, and to avoid the temptation of doing the tasks for them.

The mindset is that it might take longer to accomplish the task now, but it will pay dividends later when it counts.

World Class Parents are always the model for what they want to teach and understand how important it is to be the example for their children first by explaining the action, “We’re off to the grocery store because it’s my responsibility to get the food,” followed by, “Thanks for helping me fulfill my responsibility.” “Now you be responsible and pick up your toys and straighten your room before dinner.”  Get used to using the words “responsibility” and “accountability” a lot.  You will feel like a broken record.  Do it anyway.

When a parent decides to use this language it’s important to sit down with your older children, one at a time, and explain how people who meet their responsibilities are appreciated for their contributions and make a positive difference.  Similarly, people who don’t meet their responsibilities often weaken a group or a situation and are looked upon as being unreliable or untrustworthy.  It can be just as powerful to point out when you, as the parent, fail at this as when you succeed.  Discuss the impact in each situation.  Both are instructive and help our children to know that we all take turns doing well and not so well at honoring our responsibilities and being accountable, and each has consequences.

When we are responsible and accountable, we get to celebrate and when we’re not, it helps to acknowledge this too, learn from it, own our impact, and then self-correct.  It helps to name each time this happens.  Again, you may feel like a broken record.  Do it anyway.  If your children are older and not following through as you’d hoped, ask yourself, “Do I have an explicit agreement with them about this?”  If not, that’s a good place to begin.  If so, then ask, “Are the consequences clear and am I following through?”

Consider your own behavior.  Are you modeling the process and the accountability you want from them?  Activate your observer and pay attention.  If you’re not, please refrain from beating yourself or them up (figuratively or literally) and pause to consider how you want things to work from this moment forward.  That’s the conversation that needs to take place and it’s an important one for you and for them.

As adults, we learn that if we don’t fulfill our responsibilities we generally face the consequences of our actions.  Our kids will be well served if they learn this early in life, ideally, at home where the stakes aren’t as high as they could be outside of the home and later in life.  Being accountable is a learned trait and someone is going to teach it either at home or away, destructively or constructively.  Which would you prefer?

Stewardship is taught in the first of the five World Class Parenting modules.  You can read more about this and other subjects in our new e-Book, “Stepping Into the World Class Parenting Mindset: How to be Proactive, Purposeful and Fundamentally Prepared for ANY Parenting Challenge You May Face,” which you can find at www.worldclassparenting.com.

In Service,

Frank

Dear Dori and Frank:

Whatever happened to my sweet, smiling, little, girl who entered middle school and immediately turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?  It seems I can’t have a civil conversation with her without it ending in an argument with a lot of back talk – I want my sweet little girl back!  What would a World Class Parent do?

Can’t Stand It Any More

Dear Can’t Stand It Any More:

When World Class Parents notice their children changing, they are prepared, both to celebrate the end of a life arc and to welcome the beginning of a new one.  There is a certain amount of sadness associated with the fact that those days of the cuddly little girl will diminish and be replaced with a more independent, less cuddly and adoring person.  The most important thing you can do right now to ease your own tension is to acknowledge this fact and pause a moment to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling – welcome the sadness and it will enrich you and pass.

As with any new life phase, it is new both to the child and the parent.  Adjustments are required to make this transition less contentious and emotional.  It is time now, more than ever, for you to be an observant and curious parent.  Observe those comments that might be considered disrespectful or border on abusive and hold your child accountable for her behavior and her impact.  World Class Parents do not tolerate that in their homes, ever, so remind her of the family standards and what’s expected of her.

At the same time, be curious about the pressures your child may be experiencing that are the cause of so much stress or unhappiness.  Pausing to feel your own feelings will help you to imagine how she might be feeling.  Making the effort to walk a moment in her shoes will take you to a more peaceful and compassionate place.  Being able to sit down with her and empathize when things are not so emotionally charged will go a long way in reducing the adjustment pressures both of you are feeling.

As a World Class Parent you understand that your child must learn to deal with these life changes, grow in character, and learn to cope with the new environment she is functioning in.  It is not necessary to engage your daughter once the rules are restated; it is better, simply, to walk away.  She may not be happy with your comments but as long as they are consistent with the family values they remain the law of the household.  In fact, virtually every adolescent we’ve worked with tells us that they secretly depend on their parents to reinforce these, consistently; to maintain the structures and the ‘rules’ that help them to feel safe as they venture out into the world and further from the safety and security of their homes.  This is one of the many gifts World Class Parents give their children.

Earlier, I mentioned that a celebration is in order.  Often, these transitions go unnoticed.  It is a gift to recognize that this is a rite of passage and useful to acknowledge it and the person experiencing it by naming it out loud.  While grieving the ending of a childhood stage that it represents, you also get to welcome the new stage that is emerging, the start of womanhood.

Naming, grieving and celebrating these transitions are gifts that World Class Parents give their kids (and themselves) and that pave the way for more acceptance and greater ease in the transition to young adulthood.

These and other concepts are discussed in detail under “Parent Mindset” in our book, Stepping Into the World Class Parenting Mindset: How to be Proactive, Purposeful and Fundamentally Prepared for ANY Parenting Challenge You May Face, which can be found at www.worldclassparenting.com.

In Service,
Frank