Dear Dori and Frank:

Whatever happened to my sweet, smiling, little, girl who entered middle school and immediately turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?  It seems I can’t have a civil conversation with her without it ending in an argument with a lot of back talk – I want my sweet little girl back!  What would a World Class Parent do?

Can’t Stand It Any More

Dear Can’t Stand It Any More:

When World Class Parents notice their children changing, they are prepared, both to celebrate the end of a life arc and to welcome the beginning of a new one.  There is a certain amount of sadness associated with the fact that those days of the cuddly little girl will diminish and be replaced with a more independent, less cuddly and adoring person.  The most important thing you can do right now to ease your own tension is to acknowledge this fact and pause a moment to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling – welcome the sadness and it will enrich you and pass.

As with any new life phase, it is new both to the child and the parent.  Adjustments are required to make this transition less contentious and emotional.  It is time now, more than ever, for you to be an observant and curious parent.  Observe those comments that might be considered disrespectful or border on abusive and hold your child accountable for her behavior and her impact.  World Class Parents do not tolerate that in their homes, ever, so remind her of the family standards and what’s expected of her.

At the same time, be curious about the pressures your child may be experiencing that are the cause of so much stress or unhappiness.  Pausing to feel your own feelings will help you to imagine how she might be feeling.  Making the effort to walk a moment in her shoes will take you to a more peaceful and compassionate place.  Being able to sit down with her and empathize when things are not so emotionally charged will go a long way in reducing the adjustment pressures both of you are feeling.

As a World Class Parent you understand that your child must learn to deal with these life changes, grow in character, and learn to cope with the new environment she is functioning in.  It is not necessary to engage your daughter once the rules are restated; it is better, simply, to walk away.  She may not be happy with your comments but as long as they are consistent with the family values they remain the law of the household.  In fact, virtually every adolescent we’ve worked with tells us that they secretly depend on their parents to reinforce these, consistently; to maintain the structures and the ‘rules’ that help them to feel safe as they venture out into the world and further from the safety and security of their homes.  This is one of the many gifts World Class Parents give their children.

Earlier, I mentioned that a celebration is in order.  Often, these transitions go unnoticed.  It is a gift to recognize that this is a rite of passage and useful to acknowledge it and the person experiencing it by naming it out loud.  While grieving the ending of a childhood stage that it represents, you also get to welcome the new stage that is emerging, the start of womanhood.

Naming, grieving and celebrating these transitions are gifts that World Class Parents give their kids (and themselves) and that pave the way for more acceptance and greater ease in the transition to young adulthood.

These and other concepts are discussed in detail under “Parent Mindset” in our book, Stepping Into the World Class Parenting Mindset: How to be Proactive, Purposeful and Fundamentally Prepared for ANY Parenting Challenge You May Face, which can be found at www.worldclassparenting.com.

In Service,
Frank

Dear Dori and Frank:

My husband and I seem to be at odds in the way we parent our two children.  He has always left the discipline up to me, but, I find that many times he overrides my decisions on children’s activities when the kids complain to him.  This creates friction between us and most of the time makes me look like the “bad guy.”  What would a World Class Parent Do?

Frustrated Michigan Mom

Dear Frustrated Michigan Mom:

This is a common challenge World Class Parent leaders face.  When children begin to exercise their thoughtful powers of persuasion they realize that sometimes one parent might be manipulated to agree over another.  They test this with friends or hear of friends using this “technique” with their parents, so why not try it on their own?  For World Class Parents, the teachable moment comes when they recognize the manipulation and respond with the lesson.

The first part of the lesson will be achieved when you and your husband create an agreement with each other on dealing with activity decisions, including how you choose to inform the children about YOUR agreement.  As the “Anchor Parent,” who has been selected to maintain structure in the household, you are vulnerable to being viewed as the “bad guy” unless both you and Michigan Dad determine the roles each play in the family and get in agreement first.  This is a sacred act.  When this is accomplished, the only responses to activities are, “Have you discussed this with your mother?” or, “I will discuss this with your mother and WE will let you know OUR decision.”

Leaders understand that creating a reliable structure and being consistent with the ‘rules’ maintains a level and fair playing field for all, sets standards of behavior and excellence, and provides an environment of safety and security for all. This paves the way to higher levels of performance and more harmony.

The basis for this scenario and all others like it are contained in the World Class Parenting Cornerstone Principles 1 and 3, Sacred Agreements and Maintaining Lifelong Influence.  We touch on these in our e-Book, Stepping Into the World Class Parenting Mindset: How to be Proactive, Purposeful and Fundamentally Prepared for ANY Parenting Challenge You May Face, which can be found at www.worldclassparenting.com.

We go into these in depth in our five, World Class Parenting Program Modules (schedule-friendly and flexible, phone- and internet-based, education, training and coaching programs for parents) dedicated to the five common themes and practices that we have found present in all high-functioning, healthy and happy families.  These include our World Class Parenting Fundamentals module and the four World Class Parenting Cornerstones Modules, course offerings which will be available soon.  The four, Cornerstone Principles include: 1. Creating & Honoring Sacred Agreements, 2. Developing & Gifting Guiding Principles, 3. Maintaining Lifelong Influence, and 4. Putting Relationships First & Building Families with Soul.  Additional information and course schedules will be posted at www.worldclassparenting.com.

In Service,
Frank